Songwriting Sessions: Songwriting in action (lyrics first!), Part 2

Last week I started a series of posts about writing a song by starting with the lyrics (which you can read about here if you haven't already). I think there are many ways to start writing a song, and this time around I'm starting with the lyrics rather than the music.

For reference, here are the lyrics that I came up as a first draft:

Blood in the fields (first draft)

Chorus:
There's blood in the fields, nobody is clean
They've all been fed to the killing machine
The people in charge sit so snug in their chairs
While the dead in the fields rot without care

Verse:
Nobody wants this but somehow we're here
In a world where the chief motivation is fear
We're living in houses with blankets for ceilings
And everyone's scared, everyone's scared

Chorus:
There's blood in the fields, nobody's alive
They've all been shot down, nobody survived
The people who ordered this just got a raise
And their retirement will take them someplace far away

Verse:
They won't see the fields or their scarlet red drink
But one day they might, on vacation, stop and think
About those young men they sent to their early graves
But they'll soon forget, on the beach watching waves

Chorus:
There's blood in the fields, nobody is clean
They've all been fed to the killing machine
The people in charge sit so snug in their chairs
While the dead in the fields, they still rot without care.

Time to make some changes

For a first draft of lyrics, I think these are okay. Now I'd like to tackle some of the parts I don't like and fix them up. I've had a week to let it all sink in, so it should be easy enough to make some tweaks (there's a tip for you: if you ever get stuck writing a song, take a break and come back on another day, as a fresh perspective often makes it easier to edit your work).

The first chorus:
First things first: I want to change the last line of the first chorus from, "While the dead in the fields rot without care". What exactly does that mean? I guess it's supposed to mean that nobody cares about the dead soldiers, but the way it's written makes it sound like it's the dead that don't care that they're rotting (which may be true, but wasn't what I was going for). I'm going to change it to, "There's blood in the fields, and yet nobody cares". As an added bonus, I now have a stronger emphasis on the title of the song.

The first verse: 
The next line I'm going to make a small tweak, from, "Nobody wants this but somehow we're here", to "Nobody wants this, and yet somehow we're here", as I like the flow of it better. I like the end of the first verse (and the fact that part of it doesn't rhyme, breaking up the rhyming scheme), so I won't make any changes there.

The second chorus:
I changed the last line to, "So pleased they've secured their retirement pay". The original line, "And their retirement will take them someplace far away" doesn't flow as nicely,

The last verse:
I changed the last two lines to, "Of those young men they sent to their untimely death / But so soon they'll forget, so soon they'll forget". This sounds a lot better to me, as I hated the watching the waves line from my first draft.

The last chorus: 
I changed the last line to, "There's blood in the fields, and still nobody cares", which I think ties the theme of the song and title together quite nicely.

Here's what the lyrics look like now:

Blood in the Fields (second draft)

Chorus:
There's blood in the fields, nobody is clean
They've all been fed to the killing machine
The people in charge sit so snug in their chairs
There's blood in the fields, and yet nobody cares

Verse:
Nobody wants this, and yet somehow we're here
In a world where the chief motivation is fear
We're living in houses with blankets for ceilings
And everyone's scared, everyone's scared

Chorus:
There's blood in the fields, nobody's alive
They've all been shot down, nobody survived
The people who ordered this just got a raise
So pleased they've secured their retirement pay

Verse:
They won't see the fields or their scarlet red drink
But one day, on vacation, they might stop and think
Of those young men they sent to their untimely death
But so soon they'll forget, so soon they'll forget

Chorus:
There's blood in the fields, nobody is clean
They've all been fed to the killing machine
The people in charge sit so snug in their chairs
There's blood in the fields, and still nobody cares


Afterthoughts
I think this is an improvement, and now I'm going to start thinking about putting it to some music. This is when things start to get exciting for me, as the lyrics just don't feel "alive" without the music to back them up.

More to come soon!